Going Camping

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So I have a confession - I am a huge nerd and made a secret pin board on Pinterest for what I want my life to look like. HA! I guess I am so immersed in visual inspiration all day and a lot of it is so beautiful and glamorous that sometimes I forget what my personal style is, or what really matters to me. I wanted to see if any pattern or personal style emerged if I made a board of only the things that I wanted MY life to look like. I ended up with a lot of pictures of girls with messy hair and houses minimally decorated in mid century furniture and bright rugs (and here I was thinking I wanted my house all black and white? what?! because that is a popular trend right now and I got distracted by it) And then, of course, there are a lot of pictures of the great outdoors and people enjoying it. SO! We are going camping this weekend. Because, I need a break and I've got to get away from the computer and just be me. Messy and silly.

PS My birthday is coming up this week and I plan on taking a whole lot of me time to enjoy the outdoors and not wash my hair and maybe buy a new bright rug or two (or three). 

PSS this post totally reminded me of one of a favorite blog series called THIS GIRL by The house that lars built. If you have'nt seen it before go check it out. It's a fun one. 

Freelance Mama III

First of all I need to preface this post with the fact that I am coming from a very dark place. A place not a lot of mothers feel comfortable or sane - the no-sleep-battlefield. It is a war zone in my house and I feel like I'm always losing. OK OK, enough of the drama! Here is how it goes down (and how it has been going down for the last 13 months, 3 weeks and 2 days) - Henry is not a sleeper. Never has been. Poeple tell me he will be someday, but I don't beleive them. I am writing this post for all of those other moms out there, and I know you exist, that have sweet angel babies who hate sleeping. For those moms who feel like the walls are caving in because they can't function on this little of sleep let alone calmly and peacefully train their baby to sleep. 

Up until recently I was under the false pretense that I could get most of my work done during naps and after bedtime. It has been stressful to say the least. I have since hired a baby sitter to come 1 to 2 afternoons a week and worked out a schedule with Conor to take him Wednesday afternoons. Hiring a babysitter is another Freelance Mama post in and of itself which I can't wait to talk about later. But back to the subject at hand: my anti-sleep baby. I have been so jealous of other mothers who tell me that their babies take 2 and 3 hours naps since Henry was born. It would sure make my life so much easier! For the first few months of his life I just kept waiting for him to turn in to that kind of baby. He never did. So, I got creative and read a lot of books. On a good day I could get Henry to take two thirty minute naps. And then his nights were wonky- waking up 2 to 3 times. My whole life has been consumed with his sleep habits for over a year now.

It is common knowledge that sleep deprivation makes a person crazy. Grumpy. Not themselves. Well what you may not know is that when a mother hears her baby crying it makes her even crazier. At least it did me. I physically can not stand to hear Henry cry. I would do anything to make it stop, comfort him, make his life happy again. My blood starts to boil when he cries in the car. Not becuase I am mad at him, No! I am mad at the car, the traffic, the traffic lights, the clock. Anything that exists in that moment is against me and my son and I want to destroy it all in the name of making my son happy again. Is this normal? Probably. 

Cry it out? Now there's another sore subject. I vowed to never let my baby cry it out before Henry was born. I used Babywise as a door stop and threw it out the second I didn't need a door stop anymore. But after months of waiting for Henry to turn in to the kind of baby that slept in my arms, or even fell asleep nursing, or would be rocked for an hour and then fall asleep I finally tried just letting him sleep on his own. He went to sleep just fine at night. If he could talk I think he would have said, "Oh bless you mother for placing me in this sweet little crib filled with fluffy friends and this beautiful quilt you made for me! I love you so much! I am going to roll over and go to sleep now! Thanks for everything!" But for naps I think he would have said something a little more like, "$#%$ $#%*!! You little $%%*!! I never $@$%*# want to see your *%#@% face again!" It hurt. Imagine a grown women literally tearing at her hair and crying her eyes out at the foot of her baby's door. That was me. 

Some weeks have been better than others. Sometimes Henry goes to sleep after nursing or being rocked for an hour or being walked in his stroller for an hour... and sometimes I am just more patient and can deal with the tantrums. Other weeks (like this one in particular) are so much harder. I feel like cursing the heavens! and I am convinced I am the worst mother in the world. We haven't really found a great method. 

You are probably wondering what the whole point of this post is. Yeah me too! I just know that when I find other moms who have similar experiences and can relate I feel so much better about myself and Henry. I love when other moms tell me about their similar experiences and then tell me how smart and brilliant and entertaining their now 2 year old is. I want to say YES!!! I know he is so smart! I know he is just going to be the funniest, most determined little guy ever! But it really is nice to hear that I am not alone and I'm not crazy and I'm not failing! So if you are fighting this no-sleep battle too just know you're not alone! Your little one is still just as awesome as those little ones that do sleep. This wont last forever. And when you think of how fast it really flies by you kinda start to think you can handle it. 

PS I feel really Benjamin Button about that photo up there. Wheeling Henry around in his "wheel chair" is a favorite past time on those sleepless days. 

Need Read Greed

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Today's Need Read Greed is by my lovely sister, Annie Johnson. I like my sister so much! She is pretty and funny and smart and good at all of the things I am not. The funny thing is: me and my sister can fight! Boy, can we fight! But it never stops us from talking on the phone every single day. About everything. I am not very good at forgiving and forgetting. It is a challenge for me to get over things and I often need my space in order to process and let things go. My sister on the other hand is so wonderful at letting things go. She really does forget too! She completely lets things fly away from her and only holds on to the beautiful and nice things. She is also above average smart. Some of you who have been reading my blog for a while have probably caught on that I am terrible at spelling and not always the most eloquent. My sister is the master of languages and actually speaks German fluently. I could go on and on but I guess my point isn't to compare myself to my sister in all of the ways that I fall short but more to point out all of the ways that she is perfect for being my other half. (Conor - you are my other other half haha!!) It is just me and my sister in our family so she is my oldest best friend, the person I tell everything to. The only person who can bring out my worst and then go ahead and still love me after. She's seen me through a lot and I love her for it. I wish everyone had an Annie! The world would be a better place. 

Also, I just realized that this Need Read Greed series is actually very similar to other series going on on other blogs. Why is it that when we see other people doing what we are doing we automatically want to say, "Well, I'm not going to do that ANYMORE!"? Or we want to yell at everyone "I thought of it FIRST!!" I guess it's because we so desperately want to be original and therefore special. We also don't want people to think we are copying and have not original thoughts. Well I must admit when I realized others where doing this series too I definitely said to myself, "No more NEED READ GREED! even though I totally thought of this first!" but I like this series too much to just stop because other people also think it's a good idea! Plus, it is sort of an age old saying... like; something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. I don't own it. So, the series will continue!! How do you react when you see someone else doing "your thing"? 

New Year / New Goals

For image credits click here (from left to right) 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9

For the last few years I have been visually mapping out my new year goals like this. There used to be a rhyme and reason to the placement, color and categories but now I just make it how I think it will inspire me the most. View 2012 here.  

Goals:

1. Finish our house. We finally finished painting all of the rooms just before Christmas and now is the fun part! Decorating! Since we moved from Hawaii to California to Texas our house is pretty empty. We don't have a lot of stuff which is nice but also sorta sad. I miss having little collections of things here and there - those little things that make a house feel more like a home.

2. First, check out more of these amazing animal photos here. They are so beautiful! So Conor and I have been talking and we want to get a pig. Or Chickens. Or a goat. We can't decide. Maybe all three? I think we might start with chickens but DAMN that pig is cute!

3. As some of you might know I have been working on a letterpress line with a friend called Fox and Anchor Paper. My goal for that is to create a few more items for our line, get a shop up and running and get some customizable stuff in the mix too. We are excited to get our etsy shop up and running before Valentines day! 

4. Write more. I want to write a book. I want to write, design and publish a cookbook. HAHA! Now, I don't know if I will be able to do that any time soon but I want to write more! 

5. Be a good mom. I have not decided on something specific I can work on for this one yet. I know I just want to be more patient, more loving, more attentive and more devoted. Sometimes I think I couldn't be any of those things ANY MORE than I already am! But I know there is room for improvement and I just want to be the best mom I can be. 

6. Get bikes and ride them together. Conor and I want to get some bikes and go on rides in the morning together. I feel funny even posting a picture of a bike on my blog because I am so not a bike person. I want to be but I'm just not. It will be fun to get in to a new hobby (and with my husband - something we can do together).

7. Meal Planning. Eat Better. Eat less meat. I am all about meal planning! I started this last month making meal plans and sticking to them and only buying the things on my list that I need for that week. It has been amazing how much less we waste and how much money we save. I want to get better at this and also learn how to make really good, HEALTHY meals on a budget.

8. When my mom was young apparently she was entered into a contest called "make it yourself with wool". I don't know what she made or if she won but whenever we are sewing wool she always talks about the "make it yourself with wool" contest. I have this little idea that has been burning a hole in my brain for the last month and I want to give it a try. It requires lots and lots of wool felt - a textile that I am pretty obsessed with right now. So my goal is to order a bunch of it, try to make this little creation I have in my head and then... I don't know. Give them away? Sell them? Not sure yet. 

9. Be a better wife. I have a few goals set for this category but they are a little personal ;). Maybe I'll let you know how it goes. 

Freelance Mama II

Remember this post back in October about being a Freelancing Mother? Well, some time has past since we moved to Texas and I thought I might be ready for installment #2 of the Freelance Mama series. Up front I just want to remind everyone that this is simply me documenting my journey at figuring this all out. I have few (if any) tricks at how to get it all done. I just know that when reading other blogs I am always very excited and intrigued when anyone writes anything about how they are managing it all. Posts like that often inspire me to pull it together or reassure me that I am not the only one.  

Recently I was flying somewhere... gosh is it really that hard to remember where I was going? Yes, for the life of me I can't remember where the flight was to or from... regardless... I was on an airplane reading the complimentary sky magazine in my seat front pocket when I came across an interview with Alanis Morissette. Yeah, I know, what does that angsty queen of the 90's have to do with balancing work and family?! Well, I used to still love her music and was very interested in what she might be up to these days and wouldn't you know, our favorite tormented rock star of the aforementioned decade is now a well adjusted mother and wife raising a baby. In her interview she said something that struck me -

"I used to have a personal life and a work life—these little lives in little boxes. Now, I go into a room to write a song, breastfeed my son, talk to my husband, cook dinner, go do a show, return to my family. Not a moment too soon, my life has finally become integrated. And it has been a huge blessing."

Since starting down this design path a few years ago (before Henry was even an idea) I was taught that you need to keep your family life and your work life separated. To combine the two was to bring dysfunction and frustration on everyone. I have attended workshops on this very subject. Everyone's attitude toward motherhood and working (especially from home) has been similar. Keep them as separate as you can. Well, when I read this quote from dear old Alanis I almost laughed out loud! How could she be happy with this integration stuff?? And then I started to think about it! Maybe part of my frustration was coming from an unreal scenario I had created in my head. I was frustrated with how much my life didn't fit neatly into two boxes. In order to get any work done I thought Henry needed to be happily playing far away from me with some kind of adult stranger watching over him. Or I thought that telling clients I couldn't get back to them right away because I was taking care of my son all day was basically like telling them I was incompetent. 

I just thought you you you oughta know that since reading that interview I have given it a try, I let the two worlds overlap, and I like it. If nothing else, I at least feel relieved of all of the pressure to keep things neatly separated into two boxes. I now don't feel terribly guilty when I respond to emails with Henry on my lap and two windows open (one is my email and the other is Netflix playing Yo Gabba Gabba). I don't think I am a bad mom when I check my email while I am on walks with Henry and he is happily munching fishy crackers in his stroller. I don't feel that I need to hide that Henry always comes first and always will. I also let Conor take Henry to work with him one day a week so I can get projects done. It's been really nice to have that break. We are both overlapping and it feels good. Conor and I both work for a couple of hours in the evening after Henry has gone to bed so that we can enjoy him for a few hours in the afternoon with out thinking about work. It's not perfect but I like the idea of saying goodbye to the boxes and just enjoying the moments as they come.

Family Christmas Card

Here's a little sneak peek at our family christmas card photo session. Yes, with everything being so crazy around here we just got around to taking our family pictures yesterday. We did them ourselves in our living room. Every year that Conor and I have been married we have built a fort in our living room for Christmas and on Christmas eve we sleep in the fort. Well this year (because we still don't have a couch) the fort went up a little early and we have been sleeping in it quite a bit. I'm not sure our cards are going to make it on time to be merry Christmas cards so they might just have to be happy new year cards instead. But how appropriate? because this year as been a doozy! and I am so ready to bring on 2013!  

THANKSGIVING 2012

This was our first Thanksgiving alone. Well, I guess I shouldn't say alone, we had each other. But it was our first Thanksgiving with no friends and no family. Just the three of us. We made a nice table and we had a feast but to be quite honest we were a little down all day because we miss our people a lot right now. We have quite a bit to be thankful for and our people are at the top of that list. We did our best to celebrate but the day was long and we had a hard time filling it without thinking of what we might be doing if only we were home.

At the table Conor decided he was too hot and took his shirt off. Then he decided Henry was also too hot and took his shirt off as well. It made me laugh and think back to the good old days in Hawaii where shirts were always optional - even at thanksgiving dinner - and I felt happy again in that moment. I love my boys and I am the most most most thankful for them! 

Etsy - PDX Photo Styling Workshop

While in Portland a week ago I attendied an Etsy sponsered photo styling workshop hosted by Chelsea Fuss from Frolic. My friend Chelsey from Type A Press was attending and I thought it would be fun to get together with her and photograph some of our work together. I've also been toying with the idea of making more of these hand dipped antlers below and maybe selling them online somewhere? Not sure yet... they were just fun to make and now I have a bunch laying around my house. 

Thanksgiving of my dreams

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I keep thinking back to last year at this time. I was so unaware of what lay ahead of me - the good and the bad. What a difference a year can make huh? It's been a whirl wind for sure. And even with everything I have to be thankful for this year (and I really am thankful, I swear) I just can't help but want to go back. So, while this above little round-up is definitly a dream, my real dream is that I am back in Hawaii with my dear friends. My friend Caitlin, my other friend Paige and myself were all pregnant that year. We were on the brink of the greatest adventures of our lives (parenthood) and everything was exciting and new, and we knew nothing of loss. So this year a new dining room table would be nice, and that dress would be a lot of fun to wear but I'm really just thinking of friendship and the experiences that connect us forever. And I am thankful for that.   

SALTY SEA AIR

We are officially on our way to Dallas. Conor is driving there with all of our stuff as I type this and I am sitting pretty (and cozy) at my parents house waiting for him to get our new little house set up. I always know moving is going to be hard but it's funny the way tears creep up on you and you find yourself crying over something you didn't even realize you would miss. Thursday we had one last beach day. Conor surfed with his best friend Wilson while I ate my favorite breakfast burrito on the beach and Henry munched on some sand. It was warm and I could tell the boys were having a lot of fun. It was a great day to say goodbye to the Pacific Ocean ... for now.