Freelance Mama III

First of all I need to preface this post with the fact that I am coming from a very dark place. A place not a lot of mothers feel comfortable or sane - the no-sleep-battlefield. It is a war zone in my house and I feel like I'm always losing. OK OK, enough of the drama! Here is how it goes down (and how it has been going down for the last 13 months, 3 weeks and 2 days) - Henry is not a sleeper. Never has been. Poeple tell me he will be someday, but I don't beleive them. I am writing this post for all of those other moms out there, and I know you exist, that have sweet angel babies who hate sleeping. For those moms who feel like the walls are caving in because they can't function on this little of sleep let alone calmly and peacefully train their baby to sleep. 

Up until recently I was under the false pretense that I could get most of my work done during naps and after bedtime. It has been stressful to say the least. I have since hired a baby sitter to come 1 to 2 afternoons a week and worked out a schedule with Conor to take him Wednesday afternoons. Hiring a babysitter is another Freelance Mama post in and of itself which I can't wait to talk about later. But back to the subject at hand: my anti-sleep baby. I have been so jealous of other mothers who tell me that their babies take 2 and 3 hours naps since Henry was born. It would sure make my life so much easier! For the first few months of his life I just kept waiting for him to turn in to that kind of baby. He never did. So, I got creative and read a lot of books. On a good day I could get Henry to take two thirty minute naps. And then his nights were wonky- waking up 2 to 3 times. My whole life has been consumed with his sleep habits for over a year now.

It is common knowledge that sleep deprivation makes a person crazy. Grumpy. Not themselves. Well what you may not know is that when a mother hears her baby crying it makes her even crazier. At least it did me. I physically can not stand to hear Henry cry. I would do anything to make it stop, comfort him, make his life happy again. My blood starts to boil when he cries in the car. Not becuase I am mad at him, No! I am mad at the car, the traffic, the traffic lights, the clock. Anything that exists in that moment is against me and my son and I want to destroy it all in the name of making my son happy again. Is this normal? Probably. 

Cry it out? Now there's another sore subject. I vowed to never let my baby cry it out before Henry was born. I used Babywise as a door stop and threw it out the second I didn't need a door stop anymore. But after months of waiting for Henry to turn in to the kind of baby that slept in my arms, or even fell asleep nursing, or would be rocked for an hour and then fall asleep I finally tried just letting him sleep on his own. He went to sleep just fine at night. If he could talk I think he would have said, "Oh bless you mother for placing me in this sweet little crib filled with fluffy friends and this beautiful quilt you made for me! I love you so much! I am going to roll over and go to sleep now! Thanks for everything!" But for naps I think he would have said something a little more like, "$#%$ $#%*!! You little $%%*!! I never $@$%*# want to see your *%#@% face again!" It hurt. Imagine a grown women literally tearing at her hair and crying her eyes out at the foot of her baby's door. That was me. 

Some weeks have been better than others. Sometimes Henry goes to sleep after nursing or being rocked for an hour or being walked in his stroller for an hour... and sometimes I am just more patient and can deal with the tantrums. Other weeks (like this one in particular) are so much harder. I feel like cursing the heavens! and I am convinced I am the worst mother in the world. We haven't really found a great method. 

You are probably wondering what the whole point of this post is. Yeah me too! I just know that when I find other moms who have similar experiences and can relate I feel so much better about myself and Henry. I love when other moms tell me about their similar experiences and then tell me how smart and brilliant and entertaining their now 2 year old is. I want to say YES!!! I know he is so smart! I know he is just going to be the funniest, most determined little guy ever! But it really is nice to hear that I am not alone and I'm not crazy and I'm not failing! So if you are fighting this no-sleep battle too just know you're not alone! Your little one is still just as awesome as those little ones that do sleep. This wont last forever. And when you think of how fast it really flies by you kinda start to think you can handle it. 

PS I feel really Benjamin Button about that photo up there. Wheeling Henry around in his "wheel chair" is a favorite past time on those sleepless days. 

Freelance Mama II

Remember this post back in October about being a Freelancing Mother? Well, some time has past since we moved to Texas and I thought I might be ready for installment #2 of the Freelance Mama series. Up front I just want to remind everyone that this is simply me documenting my journey at figuring this all out. I have few (if any) tricks at how to get it all done. I just know that when reading other blogs I am always very excited and intrigued when anyone writes anything about how they are managing it all. Posts like that often inspire me to pull it together or reassure me that I am not the only one.  

Recently I was flying somewhere... gosh is it really that hard to remember where I was going? Yes, for the life of me I can't remember where the flight was to or from... regardless... I was on an airplane reading the complimentary sky magazine in my seat front pocket when I came across an interview with Alanis Morissette. Yeah, I know, what does that angsty queen of the 90's have to do with balancing work and family?! Well, I used to still love her music and was very interested in what she might be up to these days and wouldn't you know, our favorite tormented rock star of the aforementioned decade is now a well adjusted mother and wife raising a baby. In her interview she said something that struck me -

"I used to have a personal life and a work life—these little lives in little boxes. Now, I go into a room to write a song, breastfeed my son, talk to my husband, cook dinner, go do a show, return to my family. Not a moment too soon, my life has finally become integrated. And it has been a huge blessing."

Since starting down this design path a few years ago (before Henry was even an idea) I was taught that you need to keep your family life and your work life separated. To combine the two was to bring dysfunction and frustration on everyone. I have attended workshops on this very subject. Everyone's attitude toward motherhood and working (especially from home) has been similar. Keep them as separate as you can. Well, when I read this quote from dear old Alanis I almost laughed out loud! How could she be happy with this integration stuff?? And then I started to think about it! Maybe part of my frustration was coming from an unreal scenario I had created in my head. I was frustrated with how much my life didn't fit neatly into two boxes. In order to get any work done I thought Henry needed to be happily playing far away from me with some kind of adult stranger watching over him. Or I thought that telling clients I couldn't get back to them right away because I was taking care of my son all day was basically like telling them I was incompetent. 

I just thought you you you oughta know that since reading that interview I have given it a try, I let the two worlds overlap, and I like it. If nothing else, I at least feel relieved of all of the pressure to keep things neatly separated into two boxes. I now don't feel terribly guilty when I respond to emails with Henry on my lap and two windows open (one is my email and the other is Netflix playing Yo Gabba Gabba). I don't think I am a bad mom when I check my email while I am on walks with Henry and he is happily munching fishy crackers in his stroller. I don't feel that I need to hide that Henry always comes first and always will. I also let Conor take Henry to work with him one day a week so I can get projects done. It's been really nice to have that break. We are both overlapping and it feels good. Conor and I both work for a couple of hours in the evening after Henry has gone to bed so that we can enjoy him for a few hours in the afternoon with out thinking about work. It's not perfect but I like the idea of saying goodbye to the boxes and just enjoying the moments as they come.

FREELANCE MAMA I

So I have been taking it really easy on the blog lately. Life got all crazzzzuh on me and I just had to give myself some room to breathe. And honestly I have been enjoying it. I used to think that I absolutely had to blog everyday or something terrible would happen...Not sure what exactly but I blogged like the sky was falling. I guess I was afraid that people would forget about me if I stopped blogging. Well, lately I have gone days without blogging and guess what?! The world didn't stop spinning and I still have work flowing in.

It's given me a lot of time think about all of this work / home life / balance stuff. While, in Palm Springs at Design Retreat 2012 I had a lot of time to talk to other girls (I should say women but I just think of myself as a girl so that's what I call them) about being a freelancer and a mamma and how I balance the two. Out of the 20 girls there only 2 of us were moms (both new moms at that) and one other girl is expecting (so excited for you Alyssa!!) Most (not all) of the other girls expressed that they eventually wanted to have kids but that the thought totally freaked them out. A question/answer session was devoted to the topic! It was so funny to hear them ask about the day in the life of a freelance mom. "So, what time do you get up?.. Do you wake up to crying, or how do you know when to get up??.. So, then, do you like,... feed the baby??.. Does it get boring? Do you ever get out? Who watches the baby while you work? So, when do you ever sleep!?" I just had to laugh. No one can prepare you for the insanity of being a mother. It occurred to me that the more we tried to "prepare" them for how utterly hard, exhausting, time consuming, and un-ending it all is the more I felt we strayed from the true beauty of being a mother. Don't get me wrong, some days I honestly want to run screaming from my home and hide in a dark hole and just take a freaking nap! But quite frequently (more often than those dark hole seeking times) my eyes well up with happy tears just at the sight of my sweet baby. I am so proud of him and love him so much. He is my best work.

I got an email today about being a freelancer and thinking about possibly having a baby. Advice wasn't necessarily asked for but I'm going to say this anyway - totally do it! It is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I literally thank God every day for it. Don't worry about how you are going to pay for it, you will find a way to make it work. Don't worry about being too old when they are grown, they will love you regardless. Don't worry about not being able to take on as many projects as you used to, there is always another project waiting for you. Don't second guess your ability to raise a child, you will love that little human so much you won't let yourself fail. 

And because this is my blog about my journey as a freelance graphic designer, wife and mother I am going to attempt to share more about my daily schedule with Henry, how I approach day care, how I balance (or totally fail at balancing but learn from my mistakes), how I eventually want to have more kids and anything else you might want to know about. So if you're interested comment below or send me an email. Oh, and just FYI right after the above picture was taken Henry dove to the ground and shoved an old cigarette butt in his mouth! So... there's that.