September 11, 2012 Deep in The Heart Of Texas
I shoved a French fry in my mouth as tears ran down my cheeks. I choked back ugly sobbing noises, smeared black streaks of makeup all over my face and shoved another fry in my mouth. People were staring. We moved outside to sit on the completely vacant patio in the 104 degree heat so I could have a proper meltdown. "I hate myself, I hate you, and I HATE Dallas!" I said. My hamburger tasted like cardboard. I was frustrated with how the day went and that we couldn't find a house we both liked in a neighborhood that was decent. That and a million other things on my plate were bothering me. We are moving. Again. This time to Dallas. Far from anything or anyone I have ever known and to be totally honest I still haven't really healed from my last move. I still want to run back to Hawaii everyday.
I hope you don't think that we say, "hate" in our marriage a lot. Because we don't. Actually never. I just really didn't know how to express how frustrated I was with the way things were going and I felt too terrible inside to hold it in any longer. Conor ate silently and tried to think of calming things to say to me but never said any of them. I guess he knew I just needed to let it out. We have both been dealing with a lot lately and watching me disintegrate right before his eyes was probably not what he needed at the moment. But, moving is hard. Change is hard. and Dallas is huge! When we finished eating Conor cleaned Henry up, wiped the makeup off my face and put us all in the car. We drove around the city in silence. He reached over and held my hand and as I started to tell him that I was so embarrassed about the way I was acting he told me he loved me.
That night we made a list of all of the houses we really wanted to see, contacted a new realtor (because our last one could not have been more condescending and unreasonable) and vowed to look at the glass half full instead of half empty from then on. We got off to a rough start but the truth is we both want to move to Dallas. We decided together that that would be the best for our family. No one forced us to do it. But sometimes the best move is the riskiest. And that can be scary horrifying. We love the ocean. We love surfing and being around friends and family. But we love each other more than anything else in the whole world and with our current situation we just are not able to spend much time together and when we do it is stressful. Life is too short. Way too short to be living the way we are - going a mile a minute and never really stopping to enjoy the little things. So off to Dallas we go... and truthfully after being there a few days (and eating that fried chicken with waffles) it didn't really seem so bad.
I called my mom while still on the trip to get some perspective and some advice. She is always full of lovely and encouraging things to say and also happens to make me laugh my head off at the same time. She would shoot me dead if I wrote anything she ever said on this blog for the whole world to see, but let's just say her perspective had a little something to do with me being in the prime of life and needing to "find my balls" and show them to the world. She really does give one heck of a pep talk. So for the rest of the trip that was our motto. Show the world what you are made of! Take no prisoners! And we did. And we will continue to do so because life is too short to just take things as they come and feel sorry for yourself. I need to remember that I wrote that on my blog next time I start to do that.
Reader Comments (17)
I'm sorry that moving has been so difficult, but your mom sounds wonderful and full of funny and probably great advice. I usually need to laugh more than told what I should do. Sometimes life hands us the last straw and we break for awhile. until we are able to get back up.
Oh man. Your mom's advice is right on. I totally needed to hear that, too.
Good luck with finding a house! It'll surely work out just how it's supposed to!
Moving is rough, I've been there and done that. It does get easier but no one ever wants to hear that. I just have to say that I love your moms advice, so amazing! I hope things pick up for you guys! Good luck!
i live in dallas, its a great city. but moving is hard.
I love that you had a messy, hysterical moment. We need to sometimes, although I rarely do because I have no one to talk me down. Your husband and mom are awesome. God bless them. You guys are going to be fine...better than fine. :)
wow, i would have definitely reacted the same way. sending you positive thoughts and hugs through the virtual universe. and yes, chicken and waffles makes things better. :-) xo
I'll miss you where ever you are..especially now that I DO know you! You are brave and you have the support and attitude to do amazing things and I can't wait to be there when you do.
Keep the faith baby! You and Conor can do anything!
Your future is only as bright as your faith!
~Thomas S. Monson
I've been following your blog for a while and love it. I know exactly how you feel about having a meltdown in an unfamiliar place. If you don't mind me asking, why have you moved so often? Is your husband in the military?
Next time i'm visiting my Dad in Plano, I'm inviting you over for brisket. My Dad makes the best brisket in Texas and he makes lots of penis and fart jokes, so you have to come over. Make sure you get a house or a neighborhood with a pool. Also, they just opened up a Trader Joe's in Plano. OH, and there's this place that sells antiques and has a cafe http://highstreetantiquesdallas.com/ where you need to have tea and cake....My aunts run a booth with all my Granny's stuff called BrenRuShell (named after my aunts, Brenda and Rune and my Dad, Shelly) so you have to go. Also, I think you should contact High Street Antiques about redesigning their website.
p.s. you look beautiful in the first picture.
Hi Erin! I've been following you or a while and I must say - my heart goes out to you! I moved 10 times growing up and It's rough! I know everyone's experiences are different, but at one point in my life my husband,baby,toddler,and I moved away from family. I thought it would make us a stronger family unit but instead I was lonely and stressed out and then miserable. And because I was miserable, our marriage was miserable. I realized in order to be happy, you can't sacrifice what you love and the things that make your heart sing(like the ocean or living close to your mom) for anyone or anything or you'll just be going through the motions. Although knowing and keeping in sight that nothing is forever, helps immensely. Anyway, just wanted to share another point of view. I wish you guys the best of luck and who knows, you may love Dallas!
I feel you sister. We moved to Dallas last year. The summers blow so I'm sure your visit scared you. Don't worry the weather is already cooling off. Moving is SO hard, especially so far away, and Dallas is totally HUGE. But the people are kind, the storms are incredible, every band plays a show here and you can find good deals on flights. Everything is going to be alright! Good luck with the move!
P.S. If you need any help from a stranger- let me know.
Hi Erin. Initially, a giant virtual hug.
I think that your vulnerability is the exact thing that fuels you; The very thing that has found you in a life so full of love.
As others have said : chin up. You're writing about it, so your strength is evident. Hold on dearly to that strength.
I moved to Seattle from from San Francisco, away from my family and friends, to be with the one I love because splitting time and hairs was not going to last.
I've spent a bit of time in Dallas and you will find some gems. The Dream Café comes highly recommended.
As you have, continue to follow your heart.
Moving is rough.
In our two years of marriage we have lived in Idaho, Indiana, New York, and soon Des Moines, IA. Every time we moved I said I was fine and that I knew it was best for our family (because it was), but I would still get mad at my husband because the whole situation was so frustrating. It is hard to move somewhere with no family or friends or familiarity. But after a while, it does get easier and you learn to love things about your new city.
Good luck with the house hunt! I hope you enjoy Texas.
When Dallas seems too big and scary you can always mosey on down to Austin for a while... Austin is great!
Wow, I've been way out the loop forever! I've just spent a while looking at your blog and just found out you moved! I was actually in the feeling-sorry-for-myself mood and actually wanting to move to Oahu, and I remembered that you lived in Hawaii, so I thought I would attempt to live vicariously through you somehow.
So sorry to read that your move was rough at first! They always are for the most part. Dallas was actually one of my favorite places to live (even though I was only there for a summer internship), and now we're in San Antonio...which has taken a while to adjust to. We're actually thinking about Austin in the near future, so I guess we'll see, huh?
Anyway!! So happy to see that it seems like you've come to love Dallas. :) Cheers to you and your sweet little family!! Oh, and BIG congrats on your new job!!! I'm sure they're jumping for joy to have someone as talented as you on their team!!
P.S. Can't say how much I love your writing style. If you wrote I book, I'd be the first person in line to buy a copy.